December 2007

A Devil May Care Attitude

By Alan Smithey

San Diego, California, 12/1/2007

All right all you cats and kittens out there, here's the scoop. It seems that the Drunken Cat webshow "According to Satan" may be coming undone. I know what you're thinking! You're thinking this reporter is just playing chicken little with ya, well I wish that were the case.

Just two short months in and three episodes on the web but now seems that problems on the set have arose that threaten to put production of the show at a stand still. How do I know this you ask? A fair question, especially since it's a closed set. Let's just say a little devil told me. At any rate, it appears that one of the stars on the beloved webshow is pulling an Axl Rose. That's right, this little actor has become a no show on shooting days and when this persons there they refuse to shoot. Add into the equation the Christmas season and the fact that all three stars have day jobs and one question comes to mind... When will we see more Satan shows? Well until next month, may the comics be with you.

word of the month

coloratura

Function: noun
Usage: often attributive
Etymology: obsolete Italian, literally, coloring, from Late Latin, from Latin coloratus, past participle of colorare to color, from color
Date: circa 1740
1: elaborate embellishment in vocal music; broadly : music with ornate figuration
2: a soprano with a light agile voice specializing in coloratura

Hello everyone! Lard Man here with a recipe that's sure to keep you company this holiday season. That's right whether you are all alone this Christmas or have a huge familynothing will keep you in the holiday spirit like an army of "Gingerbread Men."

SUBMITTED BY: Kim Recipe from allrecipes.com

PREP TIME 25 Min
COOK TIME 12 Min
READY IN 1 Hr 37 Min
SERVINGS & SCALING
Original recipe yield: 2 1/2 dozen

INGREDIENTS

• 1 (3.5 ounce) package cook and serve butterscotch pudding mix
• 1/2 cup butter
• 1/2 cup packed brown sugar
• 1 egg
• 1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/2 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 1/2 teaspoons ground ginger
• 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

DIRECTIONS

Until next time, bon appetite.

Have a great recipe that you want posted email it me at cookingwithlard@drunkencatcomics.com with the subject line "Cooking With Lard" and you could be the next featured recipe of the month!!!

It's that time of year again, the trees are trimmed, the stockings are hung, and circular wheels of unknown origin are placed on doors. That's right it's Christmas, a holiday where everyone smiles a little wider on the inside while they curse out the stranger across the counter for being out of this years "it" toy or present even though there's only a mire two weeks to go before the holiday comes to full fruition.

I never actually went Christmas shopping during the "rush" season, I'm actually one of those intelligent individuals who shops for presents before all of the madness, usually in August when the back to school sales are going on ;). And contrary to what all of you may be thinking Black Friday was not my idea. I actually had nothing to do with it. You can thank Santa Claus for that gem of a holiday. With that said, this year I decided to check out what all the hype on Black Friday was about.

I woke up at 9:00am, grabbed my ads from the morning paper, hopped in my car and drove off to the local mall. I proceeded to spend the first two hours of my adventure in my car honking at people trying to find a parking spot in the malls garage. Finally after three hours of searching I gave up and parked my car in the middle of the garage ramp. Once in the mall the madness really began. At this point I think it's fair for me to note that I've been to Hell, actually I run it, and I've seen ravenous beasts pitted against one another over greed and envy but, this mall was swarming with some of the craziest monsters I've ever seen. Never before have I seen so many people openly embracing greed, envy, and bargaining. Needless to say, I fought several of these monsters in khaki and I did find a victory in one of me brawls. It did leave a crazy woman with a broken leg but I really wanted that Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte.

After drinking down my free coffee I happened upon a camera store where I saw a woman pushing a baby in a stroller yelling at the camera employee for asking her how her day was. If memory serves me correct, this rant ended with the woman exiting the store without her stroller and baby yelling something to the effect of "I'm going to have you fired. By the end of the week you'll be picking up cans for rent money, it's the only thing you're qualified to do anyway." Ah, the Christmas spirit. I was about to ask the confused clerk what specials they had going on today when mall security tackled me and took me to the security office to await the police for allegedly "stealing" a cup of coffee.

At about 11:13pm that night I made it home. I escaped the mall security office by exiting out of the window of the men's room. I had to leave my car behind because they were watching it but the important thing is that I made it home without any police charges on my head. In conclusion, my hat is off to Santa. What a marvelous holiday. Until next month, may your bags be full and your hearts be despondent.

"Whose woods these are I think I know. His house is in the village though; He will not see me stopping here. To watch his woods fill up with snow."

- Robert Frost, Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening
US poet (1874 - 1963)